Why are we still faking orgasms?
Many women have faked an orgasm at some point in their lives.
While the reasons vary, a common theme is disconnection from personal desire, sensation, and pleasure.
For years, I was one of those women.
I wasn't intentionally being dishonest. I simply didn't know how to stay connected to my own experience. Instead, I focused on making my partner happy and hoped I was doing sex "correctly."
Looking back, I can see that I was disconnected from my own pleasure.
Why Do Women Fake Orgasms?
Women fake orgasms for many reasons, including:
Wanting a sexual encounter to end
Feeling pressure to perform
Avoiding disappointing a partner
Believing orgasm is expected
Feeling disconnected from their body
Lack of education about female pleasure
In my case, I grew up in an environment where sex wasn't discussed, female masturbation was shamed, and women's pleasure was rarely acknowledged.
As a result, I entered adulthood with very little connection to my own body and sexuality.
What Happens When We Disconnect From Pleasure?
When we focus primarily on our partner's experience, we can lose awareness of our own.
Instead of noticing sensation, desire, arousal, or boundaries, we become preoccupied with performance.
Over time, this can reinforce disconnection from pleasure and make it harder to understand what genuinely feels good.
The more attention I placed on my partner's experience, the less connected I felt to my own.
Understanding the Pleasure Dial
One helpful framework is what I call the Pleasure Dial.
Imagine your pleasure exists on a scale from 1 to 10.
1 may feel relaxed and present.
3 may include subtle sensations and increased awareness.
5 may feel warm, engaged, and aroused.
8 may involve strong pleasure and anticipation.
10 may represent orgasm or peak pleasure.
Many people focus only on reaching a 10.
However, authentic pleasure develops through awareness of the entire spectrum.
Learning to recognize and enjoy each stage helps create a deeper connection with your body.
The Orgasm Gap and Female Pleasure
Research consistently shows differences in orgasm frequency among different groups.
Approximately 65% of heterosexual women usually or always orgasm during partnered sex, compared to roughly 86% of lesbian women. Additionally, many women require clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm and do not climax from penetration alone.
These findings highlight the importance of understanding female pleasure rather than relying on assumptions about how women experience arousal and orgasm.
How to Stop Performing Pleasure
If you want to move toward more authentic pleasure, start by bringing your attention back to your own experience.
Ask yourself:
What am I feeling right now?
What sensations are present?
What increases my pleasure?
What decreases it?
What do I genuinely want?
Authentic pleasure begins with awareness.
A Pleasure Practice to Try
Take out a piece of paper and write the numbers 1 through 10 down the page.
For each number, describe what pleasure, arousal, sensation, emotion, and connection feel like in your body.
Notice where you have clarity and where you have gaps.
Then continue paying attention during future solo or partnered pleasure experiences.
The goal isn't to reach a 10.
The goal is to become more deeply connected to yourself at every point along the way.
Building a More Authentic Relationship With Pleasure
Learning to feel pleasure is a practice.
It requires curiosity, honesty, and a willingness to pay attention to your own experience.
I'm currently building resources to help women connect more deeply with their pleasure, desire, and bodies.
Keep an eye on this space as I share more about what's coming.
